I have questioned myself a lot this past week, How long can I go on, why does this keep happening to me, when is it that I will break down completely?
For those of you that know me My husband and I have been married for a year and 5 months, we will be at three years of being together this upcoming New years Eve. We decided a year ago yesterday that we were ready to start our family!! Such and exciting time in our lives or so I thought!! April started the downward spiral of my sanity!! A miscarriage what newly wed and first time mom wants to start out with such a horrible thing!! This was hard on us but we grew so much closer as a couple and then I decided to get healthy in hopes of things looking up!! Finally after 6 months we found out that I was pregnant again!! This was it things were different this time and I would be able to tell people i was expecting by Christmas!! Unfortunately some force of nature decided it wasnt time for us to have our family and things ended the same way and with such heartache once again!! This wasnt happening to me!! I questioned myself. What did I do wrong, did I lift too much, did I worry to much, did I physically stress myself too much..... I was distraught to find out that this was actually happening a second time!! The doctor thought that it was just another "bad luck" incident! He instructed me to take a baby asa a day incase by chance I have a clotting disorder that could be causing miscarriages!! I did and thought its ok we will bounce back things will happen I know I will become a mother soon!!
Well things arent as easy as they seem!! Unfortunately in our case THIRD time isnt always the charm!! I am completely and totally numb!! What did I do so wrong for this to happen to me!! It takes me back to the anger stage!!! Three miscarriages in a year really??!! I feel like such a failure to my husband!! The dream of being a mother well i have recently heard myself saying in conversations if I am ever able to have children! In my mind and after the horrible year we have had I have given up hope that my body will ever be able to sustain a pregnacy!! I just dont know if I can go thru this again!! I dont know where my breaking point is but I do know that it isnt far away!!
